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So you think you want to fly First Class? Do you feel bad that you are stuck in coach, squashed into the back of a plane while the First Class cabin citizens enjoy free drinks, good food and wonderful conversations with other successful people? It must be one heck of a good time.Not so fast………

I’m a casual traveler and actually hate to fly, with most of my flights being from Los Angeles to the East Coast or Europe. In my early flying days, coach was just fine. The people I met were generally polite, if not actually friendly. And yes, even the food was decent (as much as people complain about the food on planes, I rarely see people decline it). But I had always dreamed of being one of the chosen few who gets to sit in First Class.

“What is it like to be among the elite?” I thought.  Well, I finally got my chance a few years back . I received a sacred “mileage upgrade.” Wow! I get to board first, enjoy a cocktail, talk to interesting people (maybe even celebrities!) and even get a hot towel before dinner. And in fact, I did occasionally sit in a cabin with celebrities (LA to Atlanta, or LA to New York tend to have the most). I even recall one flight in which the Backstreet Boys boarded and I sat there wondering why they were carrying guitars, as I had no idea any of them could play instruments. Celebrities don’t really impress me anyway- I’ve been in the biz and the shine wore off long ago. But still, I was flying First Class!

After the first trip I was somewhat addicted. I scrambled to get miles for upgrades and when that failed, I’d pony up a few extra dollars to pay for an upgrade. After all, if I’m going to be on a plane for four or more hours, it’s a small price to pay for a slightly larger seat and a few extra amenities. But what mattered most was that by being in First Class, I felt like I was First Class. I needed to board before anyone else, just to show everyone in the waiting area that I was First Class! I could imagine them thinking “who is this guy with the spikey hair and funny clothes, what band does he play in?” I often got asked that by other First Class cabin mates, as well as an occasional airport screener.

And then it happened- the day I had to fly in coach again. How could this happen? What will I do? I’ll have to suffer with the common folk, in the back of the plane, eating bad food and enduring endless babble about the latest tabloid sensation. I won’t even get to board first. This was a disaster.

So I worked myself into the back of the plane, with a window seat so I could look out and dream of being up front, with the chosen ones. And then a gentleman sat down next to me with a DVD player, looking as far from rock musician (which is how I look) as one can get. Great, he’s going to watch some mindless DVD and probably won’t even be polite enough to get up when I need to go pee. I say hello and as we’re about to take off, which is the part I hate most, he tells me he’s a flight engineer from the Coast Guard and if something’s going to go wrong with a plane it will be right about NOW. He doesn’t seem concerned so I relax. I end up spending the next couple of hours watching his DVDs. It turns out he was a flight engineer on a helicopter that did rescues during Hurricane Katrina, and his DVDs were of their missions. It was the most entertaining movie I’d seen on a plane, and he turned out to be a really cool person to chat with. The flight ended, I got off, and dreamed of getting back to First Class. But…..

A funny thing happened on the way back to First Class. I flew coach a few more times, including all the way to Europe. Sometimes people were friendly, sometimes quiet, but no one ever griped when I woke them up so I could go to the bathroom (remember, I like window seats), or made the flight attendant reach over them to pass me a drink or food. But, I still dreamed of First Class…..then it happened.

UPGRADE! I got an UPGRADE! I was back. I was going to get to fly with my people! The chosen ones, who deserve bigger seats, better food, and free drinks. So I flew First class, next to a person who wouldn’t move so I could go to the bathroom (this was apparently a very important person with a VERY large discount store chain that shall go unnamed so I don’t get sued). One the second leg of my flight, the gentleman I sat next to was able to muster about two full sentences in 2 hours, both about him. And then it hit me. First Class wasn’t very pleasant.

I started to think back on my First Class experiences. Sure, the food was decent, but not much better than coach (maybe 10 years ago but not now). And yeah, the seats were bigger, but I still had to get the person in the aisle seat to move if I needed to use the restroom. And for some reason, in First Class, people don’t want to do that. Why? Because they are Important! Yes, they are the movers and shakers, the people who pay the wages of the type of people who sit in coach. They also seem to be some of the unhappiest, uncommunicative people I’ve ever met. No, I don’t want to spend 4 hours on a plane talking to every stranger. But I do want a modicum of politeness. Maybe it’s the economy, and a lot of these people are worth a lot less than they used to be. I’m not sure. What I can tell you is that while there may be more comfort in the seats, it’s offset by the discomfort of the personalities. Don’t get me wrong, I’m sure some nice, relatively normal people like me (my friends would disagree with that statement) sit up there- I just haven’t met them.

So next time, I might just save my miles and fly coach. The odds of having a pleasant neighbor seem to insist on that. And the next time you feel bad that you sit in coach and not First Class, just remember that, based on my experiences, most of those in First Class don’t really seem to be that.

I like to show my travel photos to captive audiences, like friends and family. One day while showing my photos I realized I wasn’t in any of them. Not one. They were just photos of scenery and buildings. I might as well have taken the photos from the internet and claimed to have taken them myself. In fact, I had no proof I’d ever left my apartment. If I’m not in the photos then my friends and family will think I never visited those places and am delusional. I needed a plan to get photos with me in them, but how, since I usually travel alone? As much as selfies can be useful in this case, I refuse to use them if possible. First, they’re just sad and narcissistic. Second, my arms aren’t long enough for me to get shots with lots of scenery, which is what I’m mostly interested in showing. My friends and family already know what I look like. They want to see where I’ve been. And so do I, frankly, because when I’m old the scenery will help me remember. And no, I’m not going to use a selfie stick. Those look ridiculous, and while one can get a slightly wider view, the stick still isn’t going to allow me to have a well-framed shot.

There is one other solution- ask a stranger. But wait! Isn’t that dangerous? Won’t I have to hand my phone to someone who might be a thief? What if they steal my phone?

Ah, good old paranoia, which in the case of a phone is perfectly warranted while traveling.  But I have a solution.

Make sure you can run faster than whomever you hand your phone to. Then you can chase them down and get it back.

Just kidding! But seriously, this can be done with minimal risk and you will get better photos and have more fun. There are two keys to making this work. The first is to buy a camera.

Buying a camera completely removes the risk that someone will steal your phone, because you are handing them your camera and not your phone. This has a few advantages. First, if someone does steal your camera, it will be a bummer but won’t wreck your vacation like losing a phone would (as long as you’ve been backing up your photos regularly). Second is that even an inexpensive compact camera will take better pictures than your phone. No matter how many billions of pixels your phone claims to have, there is no substitute for a real camera lens and purpose-built components. And last, who’s going to steal a camera anyway? Most people don’t even remember how to operate one.

The next thing you must do is identify your victim….uh…..I mean photographer. There are three categories: the single traveler, the couple, and the local.

Let’s start with the single traveler since this person is most like me.

Look for someone who isn’t using a selfie stick. They are a narcissist and won’t care how your photos turn out. Try to find someone who is using a camera, preferably nicer than yours so they won’t want to steal yours and they’ll know how to use a camera. Most people will, however, be using their phone. Do not scoff at them for their failure. Instead, observe them for a minute or two without staring or being creepy. See if they are in a hurry. If they aren’t, walk over and show them the camera, say “photo”, point to yourself and what you want in the background, and hand them your camera. Also show them where to push the shutter button. That’s it. If they agree, offer to take their photo as well- it’s only fair.

Choosing a couple follows most of the same rules as the single traveler, and if given a choice I’d choose a couple over a single person because odds are I can catch at least one of them if they run with my camera. The only real difference from the single traveler is that it’s often best to offer to take the couple’s photo first, especially if they are taking photos of each other. However, DO NOT choose a couple that appears to be on their honeymoon as they will want to get rid of you as quickly as possible. Remember, they are oblivious to anything but their wedded bliss, and won’t care how your photos turn out.

The local is a bit different, because they are often an employee of a bar, restaurant or store that I am patronizing. In those cases, find someone who looks bored. They’ll be happy to have something to break up the monotony of the day. Do not take a waitress’s kindness as an opening to ask her out. Remember, she’s bored and you need a good photo, end of story.  If I’m asking for a clerk’s time, I’ll usually buy something before asking for a photo. Trust me on that.

There is one other category and that’s the professional photographer, though you will only see this rare animal in major tourist cities like Prague. You’ll know the moment you see them because they’ll have multiple SLR cameras and often tripods and spare gear. I asked one on a bridge in Prague to take my photo and even though he spoke no English whatsoever, was delighted to take many, many photos of me at every conceivable angle.

That’s the way to do it if you have a camera. But wait? What if all you have is your phone?

You can still do this but have to be more cautious. Phones are more valuable to steal than cameras since people know how to use phones and they have decent resell value. But I’ve used my techniques even in cities that are renowned for tourist theft and have not yet had anything stolen.

For example, I was walking in Barcelona and noticed a hill with a castle. I hiked up to the castle but since I’d been in town a few days wasn’t carrying my camera. I wanted photos of me in front of the castle, but this was a dilemma. Who could I trust with my phone- especially given what I’d been told about Barcelona tourist theft (by the locals!)?

I scanned the people milling about the grounds until I spotted a single man looking up and waving towards the top of the castle. I looked up and saw what appeared to be his family waving back at him. Either that or he was their taxi driver. I assumed it was his family as I didn’t see a taxi nearby, and decided he’d be a good choice because should he steal my phone and run away, he’d be abandoning his family. That didn’t seem likely as he seemed to be quite fond of them.

Once he stopped waving I approached and asked him to take my photo, which he happily did, multiple times. He had apparently gotten bored with waving to his family and I was a respite.

I later approached another father after he took photos of his kids. The trick with asking families is to make sure they are calm and having a good day. That will be rare, as there is usually at least one child or parent in a bad mood, and you do NOT want to get caught up in that.

I admit to occasionally taking selfies when there are no other options. But I will never, ever be seen with a selfie stick. If you do spot me with one, please take it and beat me over the head with it until I come to my senses.